January 24, 2008

I guess I'm not supposed to be in a happy relationship. Maybe for now, God has a bigger plan for me than love. The one person I truly thought I loved doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. She hasn't been blunt about it, but the signs are all there. She doesn't retunr my phone calls or emails anymore. I write to her every now and then because I am old fashioned like that, but I have never received any response. I guess she has been too far away for too long, and the bond we had wasn't strong enough to spread over such a distance. I thought about trying for a girl from my school, but after getting to know her and her lifestyle I realized I'm not the one for her. She needs repair, and how can I fix someone when I'm not even whole myself?

January 26, 2008

I spent another uneventful night at the mall last night. I'm probably going to stop letting people drag me to the mall because nothing really ever happens there other than drama. Plus there is a lot of people there I don't want to see. I have decided to stop talking to my ex because I don't want to be the stupid ex who never moved on. She stuck the knife in deep the last time I talked to her saying how much she hated spending time with me and how twisted she thinks my thoughts are. Although she did tell me I am a great writer and that she could die staring into my eyes, but I am done being toyed with. Last night I had a dream that we moved back to Colorado and I was actually happy. I also had a dream that I was with the girl I like and she told me to kiss her but before I could my mom walked in talking about something stupid. I think I am going to ask her out sometime.

January 29, 2008

I talked to an angel today. I have spent a lof of time looking for happiness and that's all she makes me feel. Her smile holds a thousand kisses, and her eyes are deep oceans waiting to be discovered. The other night I prayed to God for the first time in a long time, and what seems like a miracle has happened. These dark days are getting brighter and I am more than grateful.

January 30, 2008

An odd feeling came over me in Social Studies today. I don't really know what it was, but when I looked over at this girl I felt a fire spark up inside me. It startled me because I had never had feelings this intense towards her. All she was doing was staring at the clock as if she was counting the minutes until the class was over. Her head was turned slightly toward me, and I wished I could have caught her eye for just a minute to see the expression in them. Could she feel the same way when she looks at me?

February 4, 2008

The girl I like didn't call me over the weekend. I was hoping we would get together but I guess I should have known better. Last night night a friend of mine invited me to stay with her for a weekend. We are going to have a blast! Things really aren't as bad as I thought they were. Now that I have opened my eyes I am seeing more good in my life than bad.

February 6, 2008

Today was pretty hard on my nerves. Relationships forming while others fall apart. I am confused about what I should feel. I am hoping God is doing this for good. My heart is still in my chest and my mind is still thinking, so I think I'm okay.

February 8, 2008

I really wish I could have met my grandmother. I am trying to believe that God took her away from us for a reason. That maybe she was in a lot of pain and he spared her, or that she was just too good for this world. Hopefully I will see her again someday.

February 11, 2008

Sometimes I think things would have been better if my parents had stayed together.

February 19, 2008

So I have been going out with the girl I like (you know the one who forgets to call me) for about a week now and she is amazing. Everything about her is beautiful, but because of the feelings I have been having for the girl from Social Studies, I feel like I'm not giving this relationship as much as I can. I really don't know how to change it. I mean, I can't just make those other feelings disappear. I'm going to give this time and maybe make a few minor changes and see how things work out.

March 7, 2008

I was looking through some old photos of the family from when my parents were together. I laughed a lot because Cody always had cake smeared all over his face. There was only one or two pictures of me though, and about ten each of everyone else. Mom says it's because they were going through the divorce when I was only 4 months old. I saw the smiling faces of Dad, Andrew, Cody, and even Jon and it made me sad because I didn't get to share those memories with them. Since my family is so broken now it's going to be hard to create our own memories, but I am going to try like hell to get us all together again. Also, I went for a walk the other night and stopped at the cell phone tower down the street. I stood there for a few minutes thinking about how easy it would be to scale the fences, climb up the tower, and jump. This wasn't the first time I have had thoughts like this, but it's not bad to just think about it, right?

April 7, 2008

Mom has had me on some kind of herbal mood enhancers because she thinks my depression is coming back. I feel weird when I pop them into my mouth because the look like a pill casing with ground up weed in it. I'm going to try to smoke it. Ha Ha! Jk.

April 27, 2008

I am quite content for the moment. I have been listening to music more and it seems to keep me calm. I wrote a letter to my ex today, but then tore it up and threw it away. I also deleted her number and her myspace. I think it's time to move on, but next weekend I am staying at a friends house for the weekend which is the place I first met her. This will be the first time I have been there since we met, and I'm not sure what feelings to expect.

June 3, 2008

The weekend at my friends house didn't go so well. As we were pulling up I had a flashback to the day I met her. We pulled up and I saw her standing in the front yard with another girl. God, she looked so beautiful, and so out of place in front of that gnarly old house. My friends left me outside while I smoked (she hated that I smoked). Without really thinkingabout it I wondered to the place we had our first kiss, and that was all I could take. I ended up drinking myself to sleep that night with a bottle of captain.

PRESENT

This journal was written over a year ago. Looking back at it now, I realize a lot of things I didn't back then. Like Marissa didn't really love me like I thought she did, yes it was bad to have thoughts of suicide (thankfully I didn't act on them) and that I should have payed more attention to the girl in Social Studies because she is amazing. Most of all, it showed me how much things can change in a short amount of time. I am barely the person I was then, but I am glad I changed because I changed for the better.